liam’S story
I was told I would go to hell if I transitioned
The experiences of conversion therapy I describe here happened when I was 21 years old. One day, I had been to church and afterwards I confided in the pastor about having a difficult time with my gender identity and sexuality. I explained that I had been referred to a Gender Identity Clinic and was also seeking counselling to help with my feelings. When the pastor offered me support, I accepted it. I didn't realise at first that this ‘help’ was intended to prevent me from transitioning and end my relationships with women.
Over the course of a few months, the pastor, along with his wife and a counsellor they provided (who was also a member of the church) did all they could to convince me that it was wrong to be trans, and wrong to be attracted to women. The pastor asked me to sign a document allowing him to read the counsellor’s notes about our sessions. We also had meetings where he warned me against transitioning and having intimate relationships with women, because both would lead to me going to hell.
I was told that I'd embraced a lie from the devil.
I was told that I'd embraced a lie from the devil. This was what resulted in me accepting the fact that I was trans and had an attraction towards women. These meetings often revolved around the pastor condemning my gender and sexuality, and citing scriptures that he said proved God’s design was for cis, heterosexual men and women. When I met the counsellor and talked to her about my dysphoria, I explained that I’d been secretly binding my chest for years and desperately wanted surgery to remove them. She told me not to have surgery and to leave my body alone.
Unfortunately, this experience of conversion therapy was not an isolated one for me. I grew up in a Christian environment and have had a number of encounters similar to the ones I’ve described here. I’ve been told that gay or trans people are an abomination, and that my ‘gender confusion’ was the result of a bad spirit that needed to be prayed out. Despite being assured that I should ‘come as I am’, it often became clear very quickly that being myself was unacceptable.
Once my mum realised the extent of what was happening, a meeting was set up where she confronted the pastor. They talked about the counselling, the invasive questions about my sex life, and persistent misgendering and referring to me by a name I no longer used (at the time I was going by a shortened version of my previous name). After this encounter, which was quite heated, my family and I left the church entirely.
Those experiences caused me a huge amount of harm. Firstly, they affected me spiritually. I went to the pastor looking for support and acceptance. Instead, I was left with feelings of rejection and not being ‘good enough’. As a small child I’d enjoyed church, but I quickly learned that there was something wrong with me and I was unacceptable to God. I prayed that I would die before I reached age 12 so that I wouldn’t go to hell for being different. That, added to my conversion therapy experiences, left me feeling unsafe in religious spaces and around religious people. Even though I’m unsure what I believe anymore, I still live with the fear that I will go to hell.
One of the most destructive impacts was that I began to believe I was unlovable.
All of this culminated in lasting damage to my relationships with others, and my perception of myself, which I’m still having to work through. One of the most destructive impacts was that I began to believe I was unlovable. After all, if I was being told that even God couldn't bear who I am, then it was, and sometimes still is, difficult to see how I am worthy of love.
I’m still working through the shame attached to my sexuality and gender identity. While I’m in a happy relationship now, I have an underlying fear of bringing my partner down, or that being with me will mean them going to hell. It has been really difficult to shake off the idea that that there’s something wrong with me, and that I'm unworthy of love or a relationship.
To anyone considering conversion therapy, I’d say: think carefully about your reasons for wanting to pursue it, and who you’re doing this for. Where did you first hear that there was something ‘wrong’ or ‘unnatural’ about who you are, and experience any shame associated with it? If you can, find a counsellor to talk to about your identity. Having someone neutral and open to hearing about what you’re experiencing, rather than someone who wants to make you into who they believe you should be, makes a huge difference.
Today, like any other human being, I’m still working through issues of my own. But I am so much happier now that I’ve stopped fighting myself and started living more authentically.
Liam’s name has been changed.
Take action to ban conversion therapy.
If you have been a victim of so-called conversion therapies, or are worried you’re at risk, please give the National Conversion Therapy Helpline a call or email.
Galop's expert LGBT+ team are here to support.
The National Conversion Therapy Helpline is open 10:00-16:00, Monday to Friday on 0800 130 3335, or you can email CThelp@galop.org.uk.