eli’S story
Conversion therapy left me with PTSD
I grew up in an Orthodox Jewish family in North London. I always knew I was gay, even from a young age. Kids at school would bully me for it, which something I’m sure a lot of LGBT people have experienced. But my teachers bullied me too. I went to a state-funded Jewish comprehensive, and my teachers encouraged me to have conversion therapy. This happened when I was in year 10, about six years ago. That was an incredibly hard time for me.
The therapy with him was designed to ‘fix’ me.
My conversion therapy experiences started when I was in my late teens. I’d spent some time in Israel for school, and then visited America. When I came back to London, my mental health hit a crisis. I had a sort of breakdown and went to a therapist in Golders Green. I was open with my therapist about my sexuality, and was told that it was not natural or normal to be gay. The therapy with him was designed to ‘fix’ me. He would sit uncomfortably close to me and instruct me to imagine different scenarios: my parents having sex, my mother’s vagina, my experience being molested when I was 15. He would tell me to think about good-looking girls, even though this wasn’t allowed in our religion. That went on for about five weeks.
We were stripped naked, blindfolded and sedated.
I was then sent somewhere throughout the winter. I don’t know exactly where we were, but the conditions there were bad: we didn’t have much food or water, and the conversion therapy tactics were much more extreme. We were made to watch porn and kicked every time we reacted. We were stripped naked, blindfolded and sedated. I was there for about six weeks, until I became so ill that they had to send me home. Once I got back to London, I vowed never to engage with conversion therapy again.
Even still, it has left deep scars. I have a difficult time with relationships, and intimacy scares me. A lot of people can’t comprehend what it’s like to have experiences like mine, even LGBT people. My parents still don’t understand why I didn’t want to have conversion therapy, or why it was so damaging. They think all therapy is a good thing. It was them who paid for me to see the therapists I did, and they think I was lucky that I was able to have therapy. It’s difficult for me to hear that from my parents – today I struggle with PTSD and an eating disorder which are linked to my conversion therapy experiences.
I wanted to share my story so that people understand that religious leaders are still allowed to discriminate against LGBT people and demand that we change. Any kind of discrimination should be illegal, against any marginalised group. Until we have a legislative ban on conversion therapy, LGBT people will not be fully protected from the type of psychological damage that I live with today.
Eli’s name has been changed.
Take action to ban conversion therapy.
If you have been a victim of so-called conversion therapies, or are worried you’re at risk, please give the National Conversion Therapy Helpline a call or email.
Galop's expert LGBT+ team are here to support.
The National Conversion Therapy Helpline is open 10:00-16:00, Monday to Friday on 0800 130 3335, or you can email CThelp@galop.org.uk.